ā Back | My Obligatory Manifesto ()
Hello and thank you for clicking on the link that I probably sent you in a DM. During the pandemic, I found myself typing out some version of this several times over as I met new friends, and doing it this way seemed like a better alternative.
IāM A WEIRDO, BUT NOT THE BAD KIND
I developed severe agoraphobia and was professionally diagnosed over 20 years ago. I donāt leave my house anymore.
It started with a consistent state of unease when I was a child and it only got worse, with a crescendo in my late teens and early twenties. The first debilitating panic attack I had caused me to back out of being the best man in my best friendās wedding ā the day of. I didnāt know what it was. I just thought I was sick or something. And then the flood gates opened.
The panic attacks started happening constantly. Going into grocery stores, gas stations, movie theaters ā anywhere there were people. I eventually couldnāt even ride in a car from point A to point B, or stand on my front porch during the day.
Itās not the world that bothers me, or the sunshine, or the open air. Itās how I perceive my own physical form and the absolutely insane barrage of negative thoughts that my brain floods me with whenever anyone looks at me. I canāt stop it. It feels like a form of schizophrenia (as I understand it). And it builds until I lose my shit.
I eventually just stopped trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I flipped a switch. I stopped fighting against the current, and I made a decision in my early thirties to transition out of the physical world in its entirety to live my life digitally. To you, I will only exist as my thoughts and my voice, forever. I will probably be a mystery to you on some level in perpetuity. Hopefully thatās cool with you.
I am transdigital
I donāt have a webcam. There are no pictures of me online from within the last decade. Any friend that Iāve met within the past 7 years has never seen me. My wife has become the only human being that I interact with physically.
It feels supremely cringey to create a label out of thin air to assign myself, but transdigital feels apt. Iām in the first generation of human beings that can live comfortably and successfully without presenting their physical form to the world.
The trans prefix comes with a history of hatred and struggle that Iām not a part of. I donāt belong in that community in any capacity other than as an ally. Iām a standard CIS white male. Labeling myself as transdigital just seems like the shortest description of my personhood available that feels accurate. And it sounds cool and cyberpunky, which appeals to me, because Iām a huge fucking nerd.
The normies invaded my turf
Iāve been on the Internet since 1993. The ability to be social without having to engage with the physical world appealed to me for obvious reasons. It was great. Everyone had a nickname and there werenāt any pictures, selfies or otherwise. The term ādoxxingā comes from this era because, unless someone made their own personal information publicly available on purpose, discovering anything about someoneās real life was both rare and considered a triumph.
I felt like I was a part of a secret utopia; it was a relatively small community of like-minded nerds. It was great while it lasted, but it didnāt last long. Technology was rapidly progressing. Bandwidth was getting cheaper and high speed Internet service was spreading. Digital cameras were becoming better and more affordable, and then videos started flooding onto the Internet. I felt the secret getting out to the masses.
Then came social media to transform my utopia into a worse version of the offline world. Gone were the days of avatars and nicknames. The Internet was flooded by a deluge of real names, pictures, and videos ā normal people with normal lives. It became harder to find the pockets of personable nerds that I had plucked so many friends from prior. I started to feel like an alien once again.
Then I realized most people are cool
The Internet is certainly not what I want it to be, and itās getting worse. There are real problems with bots and vile assholes leveraging the absolutes of our freedom of speech in America to create false narratives in exchange for gobs of money. For someone like me who relies on the Internet for everything, it feels how Iād imagine it would feel to see black mold inching up a closetās back wall.
But if you can tame that nausea of worry, the Internet can still be a great place. Iām still in love with it and Iām still finding ways to meet and become friends with fellow personable nerds and creatives. And when I tell them about my way of life, theyāre always way more understanding than Iām initially prepared for them to be. They joke about me being a computer, or a secret agent, or in witness protection ā but itās all playful.
This period of my life is pretty great. Iām relatively happy, successful, and my creative output is exploding. And with each passing day, itās getting easier to live digitally. I sometimes wonder if Iām at the head of a giant wave of people that will eventually realize that instead of using photo manipulation tools to make themselves feel acceptable, itās easier just to ditch the physical form and stop worrying about it altogether.
I kind of hope not. Not because I think a life like this sucks, but because Iām sure anyone else would be giving up a lot of things that make them happy to live how I live. This life suits me perfectly. I truly do not miss much of anything about the physical world other than IMAX movie theaters. Thatās really it.
Sometimes, I wonder if the pendulum is going to swing back towards an Internet of nicknames and relative anonymity. For the sake of the world, honestly, I kind of hope that it does because this shit can get scary sometimes when people know who you are. But even it doesnāt, I think things will be okay. Most human beings seem to be generally progressive and good people.